Hi friends! It’s been a while. Nathan and I had so much fun doing the Radio City show, we got back in January and I went back to work and before I knew it it is the end of May! BUT Nathan and I have some super exciting news to share! We are expecting a healthy baby girl in September! We couldn’t be more excited or blessed to be given this little girl to love! I’ll share more about this experience later on! I’ve also decided I’m going to try my best to keep this blog up, even though a new chapter of our lives is happening I still want to keep everyone updated and to help others. I’m going to focus more on our little family that is soon to be happening and also how I’m managing being a little person and a mom. (like what kind of products I’m using and how I’m adapting certain baby products to make life easier for me). Thanks so much for all your prayers and support and continuing on this journey with me!
I wanted to write a quick note and share the story of another couple who has been through not one but two double dominate babies. I’ve known Crystal for years and years, she is one of my most favorite people and I grew up with her in LPA. Here is her and her families story: Grace and Faith
For 3 years now my husband and I have been doing the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. It’s such a fun job and we love doing it. This year however, we were torn about whether or not to accept the job if it was offered to us. This year above all I want to spend the holidays with my family and have a good old fashioned Christmas since we wont have our baby boy with us. On the other hand we were stressing out about how we are going to makeup the money we would have been missing without Radio City, plus the medical insurance.
Well right now I’m sitting here in Nashville, TN! We got the job and we accepted the offer and we are so glad we did! It’s so nice to get away from the everyday and to keep our minds on other things. Plus we were put in the same cast as two of our BEST friends who we never get to see, we couldn’t be happier!
As we get closer to Christmas the pain and loss is getting harder. I miss Ray SO much and there is definitely going to be someone missing every Christmas from now on but we’re getting through this. God has blessed us with so much and I just need to “count my blessings instead of sheep” :)
There are a few songs lately that I call “Ray’s songs”. These are songs that have either helped me through this tough time or just songs that I like at the moment that will always remind me of this time. I’ve talked about a song that has helped me along the way here. During my pregnancy I probably listened to “This Road” by Jars of Clay about 500 times… I still love it. During my C-section they allowed me to bring in an iphone with a playlist, I don’t really use itunes… I’m a little behind on the times (in fact I still make mix CD’s… there is nothing better :) My brother in law made me a quick playlist that we put on shuffle in the delivery room. Right when they got Ray cleaned up and put on my chest “This Road” started playing. I felt like it was God telling me that everything will be alright and that he would get us through this, and he really has.
Here are the other songs I call “Ray’s songs”
Ho Hey – The Lumineers
The Hurt and the Healer – Mercyme
Blue skies – Noah and the Whale
Carry On – Fun.
Mighty to Save – Laura Story
King and Lionheart – Of Monsters and Men
I Will Wait – Mumford and Sons
Home – Phillip Phillips
I’ve had a lot of dreams about Ray. Most of the time I just dream about holding him again because I don’t feel like I really got to hold him as well as I wanted to. I just had a C-section and I couldn’t really sit up so he kind of laid beside me or on me. I would have loved to have just held him against me and loved on him. I know I shouldn’t dwell on it because there is nothing I could have done about it or can do now but I do dream about being well enough to hold him again.
Last night I had a different kind of dream. Ray was a little boy and he was playing. I don’t know where we were, I just know I saw a little boy playing and I knew it was him. All of the sudden he turned and looked at me and smiled and my first thought was “oh! That’s what your eyes look like!” He never opened his eyes when he was with us and I’ll never know what they looked like but it was such a nice dream to see a happy little boy playing and to see his eyes.
There has been a lot of good days and bad days around here. I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up in the morning. Some days I can look at all of Ray’s pictures and smile and joke about having the cutest baby in the world and talk to Nate about the fond memories that we have with him. Other days it’s hard to get out of bed and all I can really do all day is watch old episodes of Little House on the Prairie to keep my mind off of things and keep myself from crying. All I really want to do is hold my baby again and it’s really frustrating that I can’t. After we picked up his ashes from the mortuary everything just seemed so final, even though Ray had been gone for a few weeks it was sad to know that his body wasn’t there anymore either.
When I was pregnant with him I just kept telling myself that everything will be better once I get pregnant again with a healthy baby, it would be like a do over, a fresh start. I didn’t realize how much I would ache for Ray back. Nothing can replace him. I’m hoping that things will get better once I have a healthy baby to love on but I know there will always be someone missing in our family. I’m so blessed that things went so well the day he was born that I am able to look back on that day and have fond memories. It was through the grace of God and the hundreds of people that have been praying for us through this journey that we were able to get through all this. I can’t thank everyone enough!
I literally have the best husband in the world. He has been selflessly caring for me during my hard pregnancy, my hospital stay and my recovery at home… with no complaints! He is the only one that could keep me sane during this time and even has me laughing daily! I am so blessed to have him in my life and thank God for him everyday. Today is his birthday and he is turning 32! Happy birthday!!